therapywithjeni

Finding Harmony: Unraveling Intergenerational Trauma in Pixar's Coco

info@therapywithjeni.com (Jenifer Saaraswath) — Sat, 19 Jul 2025 13:47:35 GMT

How One Family's Silenced Music Reveals Universal Patterns of Trauma, Authenticity, and Healing

When we first meet Miguel Rivera, he's secretly strumming his handmade guitar in a hidden attic shrine to his musical idol, Ernesto de la Cruz. This clandestine act speaks volumes - not just about a boy's passion for music, but about the weight of intergenerational trauma that has shaped his family for nearly a century.

Pixar's Coco masterfully portrays how trauma cascades through generations, creating patterns that family members unconsciously perpetuate long after the initial wound occurred. Through the Rivera family's journey, we witness a profound examination of how traumatic experiences shape family narratives, suppress authentic expression, and create cycles that can take generations to heal.

The Original Wound: Abandonment and the Birth of a Family Narrative

The Rivera family's trauma begins with Mamá Imelda's experience of abandonment. When her husband Héctor allegedly "abandoned his family for music," she made a decisive choice - music would be banished from their lives forever. This wasn't merely a preference; it was a trauma response. By creating the narrative that "he abandoned his family," Imelda established a family story that would dictate behaviors and values for generations to come.

This narrative served a protective function for Imelda - it allowed her to channel her pain into productivity (shoemaking) while avoiding the devastating grief of abandonment. Yet in creating this protective shell, she inadvertently laid the groundwork for a family system that would suppress authentic expression for generations.

Attachment Appeasement: The Silent Perpetuation of Trauma

Little Coco, Héctor's daughter, likely intuited early on that her survival depended on appeasing her mother. Children are exquisitely attuned to their caregivers' emotions - they sense what is and isn't permissible to express. Though we can imagine she missed her father and his music dearly, young Coco likely made the unconscious choice to suppress these feelings to maintain her secure attachment with her mother.

This pattern of attachment appeasement continues through generations. Rather than risk rejection, family members adopt the collective belief system - even when it doesn't align with their authentic desires. The power of belonging overrides individual expression, creating a family culture where conformity equals love and safety.

Traumatic Shame and the Suppression of Authenticity

By the time we meet Miguel, the music ban has evolved from a personal boundary established by Imelda into something far more rigid. Abuelita (Elena) enforces this rule with almost militant fervor - wielding her chancla at any hint of a melody. The spontaneous joy of music has become bound with deep shame.

What's particularly insidious about intergenerational trauma is how it creates arbitrary rules that become imbued with moral significance. For the Riveras, making music isn't just discouraged - it's wrong, a betrayal of family loyalty. Miguel's musical inclinations aren't treated as a neutral difference in preference, but as a moral failing that threatens the family's very identity.

The shame associated with authentic expression is clearly visible in Miguel's behavior. He hides his passion, lies about his whereabouts, and constructs elaborate justifications for his interest in music. These are the hallmarks of traumatic shame - the belief that one's authentic desires are inherently unacceptable and must be concealed.

The Coercive Control Patterns of Intergenerational Trauma

Perhaps one of the most unsettling aspects of intergenerational trauma is how it creates rigid belief systems within otherwise loving families. The Rivera family demonstrates this phenomenon perfectly:

1. They have an unquestionable narrative ("he abandoned his family")

2. They enforce strict boundaries between insiders (family) and outsiders (musicians)

3. They punish deviance (Miguel's interest in music)

4. They demand absolute loyalty to family traditions

This rigidity is isolating and controlling—a coercive pattern designed to ensure compliance with the family narrative. While originally intended as protection, these patterns actually leave family members vulnerable and unprotected in crucial ways.

When children learn that questioning family beliefs results in punishment, and that love is conditional on conformity, they develop maladaptive relationship skills. They may struggle to recognize red flags, set healthy boundaries, or trust their own instincts when something feels wrong. This makes them particularly susceptible to abuse and manipulation in romantic relationships, friendships, workplace dynamics, and religious institutions.

This cycle of unconscious perpetuation is particularly troubling because it means the vulnerabilities described above can persist even when family members have no personal investment in the original trauma response. The most revealing aspect of this rigid belief system is that family members don't need to personally feel wounded by music to perpetuate the ban. Miguel's cousins and other relatives may have no personal desire to play music, yet they still enforce and internalize the prohibition. This demonstrates how intergenerational trauma creates systems that perpetuate themselves regardless of whether they still serve their original protective function.

The Path to Healing: Truth, Memory, and Authentic Expression

What makes Coco so poignant is that it doesn't just illustrate intergenerational trauma - it shows the path toward healing it. Miguel's journey to the Land of the Dead forces a confrontation with the family's founding narrative. When the truth emerges that Héctor never abandoned his family but was murdered while trying to return to them, the entire family system can begin to reorganize around this new understanding.

The film's most powerful moment comes when elderly Coco, near the end of her life and lost in dementia, reconnects with her authentic self through her father's song "Remember Me." This scene beautifully illustrates how healing from intergenerational trauma often requires accessing emotions and memories that have been long suppressed.

Breaking the Cycle

By the film's conclusion, we see the Rivera family transformed. Music is reintegrated into family life, photos of Héctor are displayed proudly, and Miguel can freely express his authentic self. The cycle of trauma has been broken not through rejection of family values, but through a more complete understanding of the family's true history.

Coco reminds us that healing intergenerational trauma doesn't require abandoning our families or their legacies. Instead, it invites us to examine the unspoken rules and narratives that govern our families with compassion and curiosity. Only by understanding the original wounds can we begin to create family systems that nurture authentic expression rather than suppress it.

In our own lives, we might ask: What unquestioned narratives shape our family's behaviors? What authentic expressions do we suppress to maintain belonging? What would healing look like if we, like Miguel, had the courage to follow our inner music - even when it leads us into uncomfortable truths?

The most beautiful legacy we can create isn't one of rigid rules passed through generations, but one where each family member is encouraged to contribute their unique voice to the harmony of family life.

The Villain May Be Defeated, But My Nervous System Doesn't Believe It

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 15:37:32 GMT

Trauma's Lingering Doubt: When Your Body Can't Believe the Happy Ending

I recently found myself rewatching the Harry Potter films, which brought me back to when I first finished reading the series. I distinctly remember reaching the final pages of "Deathly Hallows" and feeling strangely unsettled by Voldemort's defeat. Despite witnessing his death on the page, I wasn't convinced he was truly gone. It was too easy . My mind raced with theories—perhaps the dust described as his disintegrating body would somehow magically reform. How could Harry possibly be certain that Voldemort was vanquished for good and that he was finally safe?

As this memory surfaced, I noticed a sudden shift in my body. My stomach dropped, my chest tightened, and tension spread across my heart space. In that moment of awareness, I recognized something profound: my childhood experiences of scarcity, neglect, and abuse had conditioned me to disbelieve that even a fictional character could actually be safe . Through my own lived experience, I had internalized that true safety was an illusion—the other shoe would always drop, the villain would inevitably return, evil ultimately prevails.

This realization illuminates something I frequently discuss with my therapy clients: childhood trauma manifests in incredibly nuanced ways throughout adulthood. Our nervous systems encode these early lessons, creating default responses that can be triggered in unexpected contexts—even while engaging with a fantasy novel. For me, this has translated into persistent difficulty believing in my own safety and difficulty fully relaxing. My sympathetic nervous system—that fight-or-flight response—remains on high alert, constantly scanning for threats that might not exist.

I've been actively engaged in my healing journey for about 14 years now, gradually learning to establish a sense of safety within my nervous system. The process involves recognizing these trauma responses when they arise, understanding their origins without judgment, and gently reminding my body to recognize cues of safety.

Recovery from complex trauma isn't linear—it ebbs and flows, with breakthroughs followed by setbacks. Some days, I can fully inhabit moments of peace; other days, I find myself waiting for Voldemort's dust to reassemble. What matters is continuing the work and honoring how far I've come.

I share this story hoping to normalize how trauma can emerge in seemingly unrelated contexts and validate that healing is an ongoing process, not an overnight transformation.

For those on similar paths: notice those moments when your body responds to perceived threats that may not be there. These are opportunities for healing —windows into how your nervous system learned to protect you. With patience and self-compassion, we can gradually expand our capacity to feel relatively safe in a world despite our trauma history.

The villain may indeed be defeated—both in fiction and in our lives—but learning to believe it takes time.

Developmental and Relational Trauma in Disney's Encanto

Sat, 20 Jul 2024 14:49:18 GMT

Developmental and Relational Trauma in Disney's Encanto

As a therapist who works primarily with developmental and relational trauma, also called complex childhood trauma, it can be difficult to explain to others the things I help clients with. Since Disney has been making wonderful stories of healing, joy, and connection lately, I wanted to do a blog series analyzing characters and plots of different Disney movies. The story of Encanto is a wonderful example of the impacts of developmental and relational trauma on an entire family system. We get to see various examples of roles each person fulfills in the system which in turn supports the family system dysfunction. We also get to see how the system heals when just one person steps outside the prescribed roles and challenges the dysfunction and the perpetrators of abuse accept responsibility for causing and/or supporting the dysfunction. The story of Encanto is told from the viewpoint of the character, Mirabel, so I will focus on her experiences within the Madrigal family system. Stay tuned for analyses of other Encanto characters in the future!

A little bit of framework for you: I am trained in an integrative therapy model called Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) developed by Jan Bergstrom, LMHC, and Dr. Rick Butts, PhD, LPCC. The HOCI model integrates theories of somatic experiencing, polyvagal, mindfulness, core issues, and attachment. I will use this model, or lens, in the analysis of Encanto. Also, if you have not already read it, please read my previous blog post discussing the core issues and birthrights for added context.

Let us talk about family roles and how it corresponds to the six core issues and birthrights discussed in my previous blog (e.g. value, vulnerability, authenticity, needs and wants, spontaneity and joy, and secure attachment). In the HOCI model there are three roles: Hero Child/Mascot, Lost Child, and Scapegoat Child.

The Hero Child AKA the Mascot is a falsely empowered child. They have a false sense of self, and their identity is created to stabilize the family system. They might be seen as the peacekeeper or the “family therapist.” They may be seen at the “best friend” to one or both parents/caregivers. The Hero Child is often in a one-up position for self-esteem and loves themselves better than others. They hold walled in and invulnerable boundaries with others to protect themselves. The Hero Child knows themselves as good and perfect. They are often acknowledged and idealized by the family system. (Does “We never had to worry about you” sound familiar?) The Hero Child often has an anti-dependent way of meeting their own needs and wants, also called hyperindependence. This might translate into never asking others for anything; only way things will get done is if they do it themselves. The Hero Child struggles with moderating themselves and is out of control with control. They are often highly managerial and control others in direct ways. The Hero Child will often present with an avoidant attachment style and may be dismissive of offers for connection. They may present as passive-aggressive to others.

The Lost Child is a disempowered child who has no sense of self. The Lost Child is invisible to the family system no matter how hard they try. They love themselves less than others and view themselves as less than. They do not know how to set healthy, effective boundaries with others and can have no boundaries or be completely walled off. The Lost Child does not know who they are authentically, struggling with trying to be good and perfect while feeling unseen and desperate for attention. The Lost Child often has trouble taking care of their self which can show up as not knowing what their needs or wants are or overdependence on others to fulfill their needs and wants. The Lost Child can have difficulty moderating themselves, meaning they can feel out of control and covertly manipulate others and situations, leading to difficulty connecting the self with others. They may present with an anxious attachment style yet be pursuing of connection. The Lost Child may appear powerless in the family system, may be yielding or enabling within the system, and passive aggressive.

The Scapegoat Child role is a falsely empowered AND disempowered child. This might sound conflicting and confusing, but this role is a person who live in reaction to everything and everyone around them. The Scapegoat Child will love themselves less than others, have walled off/invulnerable boundaries with others, see themselves as “bad” and “the problem” in the family system, be too dependent for meeting their needs and wants, struggle with moderating themselves and seen as chaotic and reactive, and be fearful and unregulated in connection to others (i.e. anxious avoidant attachment style). The Scapegoat Child may appear unavailable or detached and aggressive in the family system.

Now which of these roles describes Mirabel?

Well, this is complicated to answer because any person can fit any three of these roles with different people and different circumstances. I believe Mirabel lives out of a wounded Lost Child part, and she is often seen by her family as a problematic Scapegoat Child. Mirabel briefly lives from this Scapegoat Child role towards the end as the pressure from Abuela gets too much for her to bear.

We see that Abuela and the family hold a narrative of Mirabel as the Scapegoat Child. The perspective of Abuela and the family is made obvious as they all look at Mirabel with horror as if she is contagious because she is “the problem” and they believe she is breaking the Encanto when they learn about Tio Bruno’s last vision. The point is driven home at the end when Mirabel confronts Abuela, the Casita crumbles, and Mirabel runs away blaming herself for the destruction. This is when Mirabel briefly lives from this Scapegoat Child role she was forced into.

We also witness the more subtle ways in which Abuela and the family hold a false narrative of Mirabel as the Scapegoat Child in how they interact with and talk about Mirabel. In the opening song, Mirabel is seen singing and dancing, explaining the gifts of La Familia Madrigal when Abuela yells at her “What are you doing?” You can see on her face an expression of judgement and shame towards Mirabel. When Mirabel tries to decorate with homemade candle holders in preparation for Antonio’s door ceremony, she is startled and accidentally knocks the candle in front of Abuela’s door which sets the holder on fire. Abuela speaks at Mirabel and tells her to move aside because she is in the way and problematic to the family’s image. When Mirabel shares her concerns about the cracks in the Casita during Antonio’s celebration, you see Tia Pepa’s face express skepticism in a mocking way to the crowd as if to communicate, “Mirabel is crazy.” In this same incident, we see Isabel scoff at Mirabel and Abuela shush and diminish Mirabel publicly. Afterwards, when Mirabel is talking with her mother, her mother tells Mirabel about Tio Bruno “losing his way in this family” and not wanting her daughter to repeat this. This disclosure covertly communicates that Mirabel is being problematic just like Bruno was, and it is an act of enabling the family’s dysfunction by asking Mirabel to toe the line.

While Mirabel is seen as the Scapegoat Child, she primarily operates or lives out of the Lost Child role. Mirabel values herself as less than and prioritizes the needs of the family and Abuela over her own needs. Mirabel hustles for scraps of love and affection (e.g., “Got to make my family proud!”) because she does not have a gift herself. The internalizing of the shame around not having a gift depletes her self-worth. Mirabel also has porous to no boundaries and struggles to protect herself from skewed and unrealistic views of herself. We witness Mirabel’s porous boundaries as she absorbs everyone’s perspectives of herself and continues to internalize their shame. Mirabel is desperate to be seen and celebrated in the family system and tries to be good and perfect to overcompensate for being seen at a problem. However, her attempts at being good and perfect for love and acceptance backfires as there are numerous times in which Abuela and others shame Mirabel. This lends to her appearing burdensome or needy to others. She begins to struggle to take care of her own needs and wants because no one really has taken care of Mirabel before, so she does not even know how to do it herself. Mirabel is out of control with controlling her emotions. We can see this in her song Waiting on A Miracle as she sings about repressing her disappointment in attempts to seek approval. Mirabel demonstrates this anxious pursuing of connection, which again can be perceived as too needy by others, particularly Abuela.

Adults around Mirabel tried to protect her from Abuela’s abuse, but it often lacked in effectiveness. It first started when Tio Bruno was commanded by Abuela to predict the future to understand why Mirabel was not given a gift. After having his vision, Bruno knew how his mother and the family would react and he knew Mirabel would be treated like a problematic outcast, so he hid the vision and left to protect Mirabel. Unfortunately, it was not enough because Abuela is overly concerned about appearances and still emotionally neglected and abused Mirabel. Mirabel’s mother and father tried and failed to protect and shield Mirabel from Abuela as well. It was not enough.

While adults appeared more concerned about Abuela’s mistreatment of Mirabel, they did not notice how Mirabel’s siblings or cousins, or even how they themselves inadvertently hurt Mirabel. Mirabel ends up with strained relationships with her sisters and cousins because no one stepped in to correct the behaviors. Mirabel’s mother and father also perpetuate and enable the dysfunctional family dynamics. Her father tells her to keep the vision a secret from the family as a well-intended way to protect her, however, secret keeping is a way of enabling dysfunction. Furthermore, secret keeping is unprotective because it teaches Mirabel to not trust herself and her father’s request is a covert way of communicating shame around being in the vision. Mirabel’s mother perpetuates the dysfunction as well when communicating to Mirabel to not lose her way in the family rather than acknowledging the dysfunctional dynamics that are negatively impacting Mirabel. Her mother makes her own worries Mirabel’s concerns.

In the end, we see Mirabel stand in her own truth and cast aside everyone’s perspectives and narratives of herself. She is the healing element in her family system. A dysfunctional family system will often shame and belittle the person challenging the dysfunction and despite this, Mirabel challenged it. The Casita, which symbolizes the family dysfunction, crumbles before us. After Abuela accepts accountability for her behaviors and apologizes to Mirabel, they rebuild the family/Casita with healthier dynamics. Sometimes processing our trauma stories can feel like the house is crashing in on us. The Casita collapsing around Mirabel is a wonderful visual of this experience because to understand intergenerational trauma, we must dismantle it. We must look at every crack before we can heal from it.

When we examine our own stories, we begin to see the our truth and the impact the family system has on us. We see how the family system has supported narratives that are not true about us. Mirabel told Abuela her truth as she saw it and the family system (The Casita) was deconstructed in front of us. And the beautiful, happy ending we see in Encanto is the whole family taking accountability for the dysfunction and rebuilding a new home together. I wish more families had this kind of healing, however, even if you are the only person in your family working on yourself, you are creating a new Casita for yourself and your future. You are breaking generational curses and trauma. I see you and the challenging work you are doing, and there is an entire world out here loving you for it.

The Concepts of Mindfulness

Thu, 20 Jun 2024 14:47:08 GMT

The Concepts of Mindfulness

A lot of people talk about mindfulness, and you might be wondering, “Well what is it?” I like to define mindfulness as the practice of being fully present with yourself as you are with a sense of openness, curiosity, and nonjudgmental attention. This means that when you are acting mindfully, you are centered in the present moment and evoking the core attitudes of mindfulness as defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn , a leader in mindfulness research. In his 1990 book, Full Catastrophe Living, Kabat-Zinn outlined the 7 core attitudes of mindfulness as: n on-judging, p atience, beginner’s mind, trust, non-striving, acceptance, and letting go. These concepts are connected and when you learn to practice one attitude, you also learn to practice the others. Whether you are practicing sitting mindful meditations or simply using mindfulness in daily activities, you will use these core attitudes of mindfulness.

Let’s talk more about these core attitudes for a bit. Non-judging means as you might expect, not being judgmental, however, toward yourself and your experiences. When invoking the non-judging attitude, you are practicing being aware of your present moment with an openness to whatever arises. Patience means that we have faith in our ability to withstand difficulty and to allow the experience to simply unfold. When invoking the beginner’s mind , we use curiosity and wonder to observe our experiences in the moment. I like to think of this as having the mindset of a baby who is seeing things for the first time and appears delights with wonder in each moment. That is exactly beginner’s mind. Trust sounds simple enough, and at the surface level it is! It’s about trusting yourself and your experiences. However, this can be difficult for many. It’s about learning to tune into your emotions and physical sensations and self-validating your experiences. Some may say you are learning to “trust your gut” which in a way, that’s true! Non-striving means not trying to do . It’s about learning to just be and allowing each moment to unfold without interference. I like to think that non-striving also invokes a sense of gratitude or appreciation for what is.

Acceptance is seeing things for how they are and not trying to change them (see what I mean when I said these attitudes are interconnected!?). With acceptance, we often begin to learn to ride the waves and go with, rather than fight against, our emotions and experiences. And lastly, letting go , sometimes referred to as non-attachment (similar to Buddhist beliefs), means we do not cling to our experiences. We often get trapped in cycles of suffering because we mentally cling to experiences such as joy and excitement and then we suffer because all our experiences are impermanent. Everything is fleeting. Letting go in mindfulness means we are practicing tracking of our experiences, simply noticing a thought, emotion, or physical sensations and then letting it go. An exercise I use with clients that really gets at this attitude of letting go is “Leaves on A Stream” where you envision setting all your thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations being placed on a leaf which floats on the surface of a stream and then letting it float away with the current.

Have you noticed the similarities between these 7 core attitudes of mindfulness yet? Several mindfulness researchers also consider self-compassion as an 8th core attitude of mindfulness! If you consider all 7 of the attitudes described above, self-compassion is thematic in them all. Kristin Neff defined self-compassion as “the process of turning compassion inward.” Essentially, using kindness and understanding toward our experiences rather than being critical and judgmental. It’s about offering support and encouragement to ourselves when difficulty arises, such as complicated and difficult emotions or memories. These attributes of self-compassion are most definitely a core attitude of mindfulness.

When we are being mindful, we want to engage all 8 core attitudes toward ourselves and our experiences. Mindfulness is a learned skill and I want to stress here, even not being mindful teaches us about mindfulness. It’s exercising this mindful muscle when we notice we are not being mindful, and in this exercise, we are non-judgmental, compassionate, open, accepting, patient, trusting, curious, and non-attaching.

When Matrescence Is Not What You Expected: Grief in Pregnancy and Postpartum

Mon, 20 May 2024 14:14:24 GMT

As I sit here reflecting on the last few years of my experience of matrescence, defined as the process of becoming a mother, I have noticed themes of anger, resentment, and frustration coming up for me. When I have explored these emotional themes, I realized the thread of grief tying it all together.

My experience of pregnancy and my postpartum experience was not what I expected at all. I had blissful images of rubbing my belly and feeling those little baby kick while eating strange combinations of foods as my pregnancy cravings and hormones would demand. My birth experience was going to be magical and moving. I was going to have an unmedicated, spontaneous birth at 40 weeks. I was going to labor at home for as long as possible until shuttling to the hospital to quickly deliver the precious child I was carrying. I pictured myself basking in the oxytocin and endorphins of the “Golden Hour” while staring at this little human I had just birthed from my body, and quickly getting this baby latched to my breast. None of this was my actual experience and I am sad about it. I wish my experiences had been different.

"None of this was my actual experience and I am sad about it."

My experience of pregnancy was of constant sickness and exhaustion, while my health concerns were ignored by my prenatal medical providers. My birthing experience ended up being a traumatic preterm birth where I felt powerless and belittled by my medical providers. I also struggled postpartum. Breastfeeding was a challenge. Sleep was nonexistent. I did not feel supported by society, by my medical providers, by my social support. Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum was nothing of what I expected, and nobody warned me about this. I felt as if I was left alone to navigate motherhood without the necessary supports.

Perhaps some of all of what I said resonates with your experience. I imagine that is why you are here reading this blog post; searching for answers on how to process your matrescence experience.

Here is your permission to grieve what was not. To grieve what you missed. I too grieve the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience I envisioned; the experiences that never were. Grief in perinatal period often appears limited to those who miscarry, or experience stillbirth or infant loss based on how society and mass media portray it. Yet there are many individuals who are grieving the loss of an experience that was never received. It is okay to grieve your fallen expectations. It is natural. You clearly cared so deeply for this experience and when it was not delivered to you, of course you are feeling sad or angry or disappointed about it. Of course. It is a valid reaction.

“Hello, Grief. Nice to see you again. May I sit awhile with you?”

Sit with this grief and sadness until you are ready to move on from it or visit this place in brief stints. I mean, let us be honest, you do have something important to tend to (your beautiful baby!) and it may be unreasonable to sit and process the entirety of your grief in one go. But what I am saying is to befriend your grief. “Hello, Grief. Nice to see you again. May I sit awhile with you?” Each time you sit with your grief, you nurture yourself. You validate your experience, or lack of, and affirm your relationship to yourself. You are giving yourself the gift to heal this part of you. As you sit with your grief, you begin to grow and build a capacity to sit with it longer. You learn that you can do hard things. The grief never shrinks or goes away; you grow around it, and you create space around this grief for joy, love, affection, bonding, and contentedness to coexist.

Let’s talk about Buts–the word but!

Sat, 20 Apr 2024 14:14:24 GMT

Let’s talk about Buts–the word but!

Let’s talk about the word “but” for a moment. It is a word that we use so often, we don’t even realize it–myself included! I realized I used the word “but” a lot when I did an improv class. I was instructed to say “Yes, and,” during an exercise to set my improv partner up for expansion on a topic. Instead, I found that I, and several others in the class, ended up shutting down the exercise with a but! “Yes, but.” For example, your improv partner says, “We are going to picnic in the forest today.” Notice what happens if you say “Yes, and then we went for a hike,” versus “Yes, but we went for a hike.” Do you hear the difference? More importantly, do you feel the difference in tone?

It was an eye opening experience for me. I started paying attention to speech and I began to notice how much myself and others use the word in a way that shuts down others in our daily interactions. Merriam dictionary defines the use of the word “but” as a conjunction and a preposition. It’s most commonly used as a conjunction to mean “except for the fact.” In this context, the “but” negates the first part of the sentence. When we use this word in response to other’s expressions, we have a recipe for invalidation and relational conflict.

Have you ever tried to tell someone how you felt hurt, angry, guilty, scared, or another big emotion and the person’s response was something like “Yeah, but…”? How did you feel at that moment? I would venture to say unseen, unheard, or unsupported. Other ways people use the word “but” might “I’m sorry, but…” which does not feel like an apology.

Our word choices matter. Let’s work together to drop the “but” and embrace the “and” so we can set our relationships to expand.

Your birth rights were denied? Learn to heal from it.

Wed, 20 Mar 2024 14:14:23 GMT

Your birth rights were denied? Learn to heal from it.

#1 You deserve to feel cherished. To feel valued. To feel loved. It is your birthright to feel valued and seen.

If this birthright is not met, you may experience difficulty holding yourself with compassion and respect. You may fluctuate between what is called a “one-down” position AKA shame-based esteem, or a “one-up” position AKA a grandiose-based esteem. This means depending on the circumstance, you may minimize your value, or you may inaccurately inflate your value. Often, we fluctuate between both positions with different people and within different contexts.

When working to heal your trauma wounds, the goal is to practice loving yourself and holding yourself with compassion and respect.

#2 You deserve to feel safe enough to be vulnerable in relationships. This is your birthright to be the vulnerable human you are.

When this birthright has not been met, you may struggle with boundaries. You might have no boundaries or you might have built impenetrable walls. If you were not allowed to be vulnerable as a child with safe adults who exerted appropriate boundaries with you, you might feel completely lost with creating healthy boundaries today. You CAN learn this skill now. You can protect yourself and have functional, healthy boundaries. You have the RIGHT to set boundaries and limits to protect yourself, and to let yourself be vulnerable with safe individuals.

#3 You deserve to feel safe to make mistakes. It is your birthright to be imperfectly human. Perfection doesn’t exist and striving for it only increases our suffering.

If this birthright is not met, you may experience heightened stress and anxiety about being “good and perfect.” Or you might have developed a “f*ck it” attitude and acted out. If it’s not just right, then might as well just be “bad.” On either end of the spectrum, you likely experience deeply held beliefs about yourself that you are not enough because this birthright to be imperfect and make mistakes was not met. When working to heal your trauma wounds, the goal is to let go of false beliefs about yourself, to let go of shame for making mistakes. You are human and you are good and whole, just as you are. You are enough.

#4 It is your birthright to have needs and wants, to express your needs and wants, and to have them met.

If this birthright is not met, you may have difficulty even understanding your own needs and wants. You might know what they are, but find it challenging to express them to others or ask for others to help you meet them. You might feel like the only person you can depend on to meet your needs and wants are yourself, so you never ask others for help. Or you might overly depend on others to meet your needs instead of taking responsibility yourself. When working to heal your trauma wounds, the goal is to understand yourself and understand what you need and want to thrive in life. The goal is for you to develop a healthy balance in meeting your needs yourself as well as inviting others to help when you cannot meet them by yourself.

#5 It is your birthright to experience joyfulness and spontaneity. It was your job as a child to play and test boundaries because that is how you learned about how the world works.

This looks like getting into the cupboards and reorganizing the pots and pans, or making a mess. It looks like having big emotions and learning to regulate with a safe adult. To a child, everything is fun and play, and everything is new.

If you grew up in a home where this birthright was not met, you might struggle with self-regulation. What this means is that if joy, play, and mess were punished, you might struggle with being out-of-control today. An easy example is look at the kid who grew up with parents who controlled their every move and see how they behave when they experience their first taste of freedom at university. On the other end of the spectrum, if you grew up in a home that was chaotic and overwhelming, you might struggle with being over-controlled today. You like order and predictability. Both “out-of-control” and “over-controlled” are adaptations used to survive childhoods where spontaneity and joy weren’t allowed or were allowed too much. When working to heal your trauma wounds, the goal is to moderate yourself and self-regulate. To be playful and joyful, but also practice containment boundaries. It’s about finding balance.

#6 It is your birthright to experience secure attachment to your caregivers. You were born into this world a precious and vulnerable human. Babies depend 100% on their caregivers for survival, and it’s not just about changing diapers and feeding. Survival includes emotional needs and caregiver responsiveness.

If you grew up in a home where this birthright was not met, you likely developed an insecure attachment style. Insecure attachments develop when caregivers were not responsive to your physical and emotional needs, or caregivers completely neglected your needs. Sometimes it happens when caregivers intermittently are attuned to your needs, like they are hot and then cold.

When working to heal attachment trauma wounds, we want to develop healthy interdependent relationships with others.

Information in this post is adapted from the Healing Our Core Issues (HOCI) model for developmental and relational trauma (DART). This information is not a substitute for therapy.

When working to heal your trauma wounds, the goal is to moderate yourself and self-regulate. To be playful and joyful, but also practice containment boundaries. It’s about finding balance.

therapywithjeni

Finding Harmony: Unraveling Intergenerational Trauma in Pixar's Coco

How One Family's Silenced Music Reveals Universal Patterns of Trauma, Authenticity, and Healing

The Villain May Be Defeated, But My Nervous System Doesn't Believe It

Trauma's Lingering Doubt: When Your Body Can't Believe the Happy Ending

Developmental and Relational Trauma in Disney's Encanto

Developmental and Relational Trauma in Disney's Encanto

The Concepts of Mindfulness

The Concepts of Mindfulness

When Matrescence Is Not What You Expected: Grief in Pregnancy and Postpartum

"None of this was my actual experience and I am sad about it."

Perhaps some of all of what I said resonates with your experience. I imagine that is why you are here reading this blog post; searching for answers on how to process your matrescence experience.

“Hello, Grief. Nice to see you again. May I sit awhile with you?”

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Let’s talk about Buts–the word but!

Your birth rights were denied? Learn to heal from it.